Five things that are most important to you in a future mate
Only five… 😉 I will say that as I’ve gotten older, the list of what is “important” gets boiled down to the real essentials. It used to include things like “dark hair,” “college educated,” and “well-built” or other idealistic things a teenager or girl in her 20’s could come up with. Pastor Mark at Mars Hill notes a distinction in doctrine between “closed hand” (the things you won’t compromise on) and “open hand” (things that are more fluid).
I guess these would be the 5 things that I consider “closed hand.”
1) Shared faith in Christ. This is a non-negotiable. My faith is the center of who I am. See all so: really really important. While there is some wiggle room on style of worship and the like (I like contemporary worship. I am a hand-raiser — Jon Acuff had a really great post about the different styles of hand raising; I hope it comes back when he gets his blog stuff worked out. I bounce around a lot and have been known to start dancing. Does it mean it’s the best style? No. It’s what I like.) being a Christian .. no wiggle room. And not just “I go on Easter and Christmas” or “Yeah, I was thinking about going there. I haven’t been to church in 20 years since my parents made me go for that high school thing.”
He should be a fully participating and engaged member of the Body of Christ.
2) Be a geek. I’m a geek. I admit it. Don’t need the support group, thanks. I love cats (especially mine and Lil Bub) Firefly, Star Wars, Doctor Who, cosplay and LARP (WHY DO ADULTS HAVE TO NOT PLAY DRESS UP! Pfft. Rock on cosplayers and LARPers!) I went to the Way Late Play Date at the Adventure Science Center a couple months back and in the middle of it realized that I think it would be easier to find a Christian to date who loved the same things I loved there (at things like the Play Date or a comic con) than it would be to find one at church who loved science fiction. It isn’t from the Devil and let’s celebrate our God-given creativity!
Fantasy football/basketball is just table top gaming for jocks. Some how that’s OK but Dungeons and Dragons (or any of the other tons of table top games) are not.
3) Willingness to compromise. I have to work very hard at this area in my life but relationships – any healthy human relationship – is about give and take.
4) Doer not just a Dreamer. I am very action oriented. I bought a condo on the second visit (because an end unit became available) and treated it like buying cheese at the grocery. No biggie. That’s what people do, right? I don’t take forever to make a decision. I know my thought process isn’t the same as everyone else’s (and sometimes gets me into trouble because I actually don’t stop to think things all the way through…) but Question? Answer. Short and to the point.
Point is – he’s got a dream floating around in his head.. something eating at his brain? GET UP AND GO DO IT! Make a plan. Get out of debt. Learn a skill. Practice. Get dirty. Hustle. Whatever it is.
Because I will harass you until you do it. Who wants to be sitting there with your spouse of 30 years, lamenting and whining that you never did… when you had all that time to work at it and do it.
I think that retirement commercial about how you should use your retirement to do what you love… like own a book store, write or learn to fly is kinda full of it. Whatever it may be. I think I’ve been reading Jon Acuff (author of Quitter and Start!) because I don’t see a reason why I have to wait until 65 to be a writer and spend 40 years leading up to that in jobs I only tolerate if not actively dislike.
So he should be willing to dream big (for him. Your Big isn’t my Big) and I want to support him in those plans and goals. Just that I hope he is willing to help and support my dreams and goals.
(My secret dream… the one I barely admit even to myself and now I’m going to say it outloud – to be a writer/story teller/speaker and be half as funny as someone like David Sedaris, Dave Barry, or Jon Acuff. So lecture myself – get up and get moving, girl.)
5) Honest. We all have things that we want to hide. Or we don’t want to share because we are scared of hurting the other person. But hiding them to protect ourselves or the other person can often do more damage in the long run because it will eventually leak out. We will grow in resentment (if we think they hurt us) or distance (if we are hiding our maxed out credit cards, cookie stash, or what have you) and that can cause distrust on both sides.