Pondering and Thinking

After I had my melt down a few months ago, Sharon called to encourage me and give me some love.

In her message, she suggested that I look into gastric band (aka LAP-Band) surgery.  They laprascopically put a band around the upper part of the stomach, making a small pouch that sends a signal to your brain that you are full much earlier and therefore you eat less.

I went to the information session at the Vanderbilt Surgical Weight Loss Center.  My very first thought when I walked in was, aside from the staff, I was probably the healthiest person in the room.  I immediately gave thanks to God for His healing power and grace that has kept me healthy despite my overwhelming need for chocolate.

There were some really sick people… and for those people, surgery was likely the only way they would be able to live beyond another year or two.  Pacemakers, diabetes, heart problems, sleep apnea.  One person was brought in via wheelchair.

My heart broke for these people.  Like me, I bet they have tried every diet known to man and maybe even made up their own.  Sure, I’ve been responsible for my own bad choices.  I admit that.  When I made the right choices, the weight dropped off.  When I didn’t (as has been the case for the last 1 and a half years), I’ve put most of it back on.

I still don’t know about surgery.  I’m praying about it.  It’s one of those things that if I didn’t tell you, you would likely never know… the only clue being how slow I eat and the small bites taken.

I’m vain… I don’t want any scars on my belly.  They said the port for the band (to adjust the size) goes in the abdominal wall.  Will that be affected by belly rolls or pilates, neither of which I’m willing to give up?

When I went to see my primary care physician last month, I asked him about it and then I started crying.  He said that any of the weight loss surgery is a tool; that the patients still have to eat right and exercise or else it is largely pointless.  Having the surgery doesn’t mean someone is a failure which is how I feel about it.  He was very kind and supportative of any decision I would make… which is good.

Biggest Loser – Families

I said I wasn’t going to watch this season given this article about what some contestants go through to lose weight on/after the show and that the first season winner gained all of his weight back.

In watching the intros of the couples, I started crying.  There is one father/daughter couple.  They are about my dad and I’s size.

I thought about my dad.  He died in 2004.  I thought that if my dad were still alive, we could have gone on that show…

We would have won.  My dad was hyper-competitive.  I inherited my competitiveness from him.  He was also a major charmer and would have convinced anyone to vote for anyone but us.

He died of complications of morbid obesity.  He had a massive heart attack.

I am NOT going to be dead at 54.

I gained Smith and Wesson

If you’ve known me for a while, you know I lost alot of weight.  I blogged about it alot at The Scratching Post.  One of the earlier posts being where I announced I had lost 20lbs – or the equivalent of my kitties.

I’ve known for some time that my weight had been creeping back up… especially when I had to go buy new pants at the beginning of the summer.  Today, I’m reminded of it because the arms of this shirt are too tight and it hurts.

Last night, I finally got onto the scale to see what the damage actually was… and it was much worse than I imagined.  While I’m not back to my absolute heaviest, I am almost back to where I started when I began working with Alison at the Center for Human Nutrition (the weight loss part now closed).  I nearly had a panic attack.

I did cry.

But it is also something that I know exactly how I got here.  Exactly.  Just this past week, there was enough candy to put someone into a sugar coma.  Doughnuts, muffins, pizza, cake.  I was lying to myself that the one piece of fruit and one veggie were doing me some good, particularly when chased with a 400 calorie dessert.

After I did that, I went downstairs and threw out the remaining doughnuts and muffins.  I’m donating the candy to the dish somewhere on this floor.  This weekend, I am going to seriously plan out what I will eat this upcoming week.  I changed my bus route so I will have 15-20 minutes every morning to walk.  I am so winded after walking just that short amount of time.

But it’s new today.

RTC – Reboot

I absolutely believe I can make it to my goal of 10 lbs by the first weekend of August… but I’ve gained back the 3 lbs I lost. My feet are swollen like water-filled balloons. So are my ankles. Alot of that weight is water.

So, to reach my goal, I have added some mini-challenges:

  1. Walk 8000 steps a day (this is actually rather easy between walking at the bus and at work)
  2. Eat 4 or more servings of fruit/veggies per day
  3. Back to the 60 days of being in the Word (the reason I started this blog in the first place!). I believe that my lack of discipline in my spiritual life is reflected in my lack of discipline in my physical body. Gluttony is my middle name right now.
  4. Eat at home. Bring my lunch. Stop eating at the Commons. It’s got to be loaded with too much sodium.
  5. Go to bed early enough so I can get up early enough to fix breakfast.
  6. Write it down.

Entire bags of cookies. Too much caffeine. I could beat myself up for days. Not going to. Starting over. Right now. I’ve got my neighbor Dino’s book and I’m going to bring it tomorrow and make copy of the journal pages and use them. I have other food journals (one from the Center for Human Nutrition… another from Body Works that I actually like)… but sometimes change is good. Try a new journal for a while. Staring at the fact that I wrote down that I ate a dozen oreos is ugly.

I’m going to make a separate page where I will put in brief log entries for accountability.

Do I go back to the gym? Do I work out at home for the short term? I don’t know yet. Will decide that one later.